Closer

The movie “Closer” starring Alexx Ekubo and Mary Lazarus starts with a woman in a dark room writing a letter, then it pans to an amateurish depiction of a car accident, then it pans back to the woman. Then it somehow gets worse and we get flashbacks of marital bliss for about seven minutes. If this sounds confusing and annoying, it’s because it was and basically foreshadowed the quality of the rest of the movie.

Closer tells the story of a young widower who after his wife’s death forms an unlikely friendship with a massage therapist. As you have probably surmised by now, Closer is not a good movie and so I’ll just highlight some of the reasons why you should steer clear of this movie in descending order.

The films dialogue is laughable at best. It’s so bad that I am tempted to recommend the movie just because I want someone else to experience it but I won’t because I am a good person. So bad it seemed like the person who wrote it had never listened to an actual human conversation before Exhibit A.

Maro: Has anything been ignited between you two?

Lancelot: How many pieces of your heart can you lose before you start to love again?

The delivery and performances by the actors make it worse. Admittedly I’m not Alexx Ukubo biggest fan but in this movie his performance is bad mostly because his depiction of a grieving husband is simply not believable. It doesn’t help that the story had him pivoting from grief to immediately starting a romantic relationship. Zizi (Mary Lazarus) was also similarly flat and the supporting cast doesn’t help so ultimately the movie is saturated with bad acting.

I think I was about 35 minutes in when I had the epiphany that the film literally had no story but was littered with filler scenes that do not justify its run time. At moments its audio quality is unprofessional, then to top it all out, it had an annoying and meaningless plot twist at the end – although it did lead to the funniest and most realistic line in the film